In my work with professional women, especially Black women who are leaders in their fields, I often encounter a troubling yet deeply ingrained belief: “My feelings don’t matter.” This sentiment is born from years of navigating spaces where voices like theirs are ignored, dismissed, or undervalued. Whether in the boardroom, at home, or in personal relationships, the idea that one’s emotions are insignificant can shape how a person engages with the world.
How do you navigate life when conditioning has led you to believe your feelings don’t matter? As a licensed psychologist, I’ve guided many through this journey, and I want to offer you some practical insights that may help shift your perspective and reclaim your emotional voice.
Acknowledge the Origin of the Belief
The first step is understanding where this belief comes from. Many women grew up in environments where they placed their emotional needs behind everyone else’s. Whether it’s the societal expectation to be the “strong Black woman” or to avoid making others uncomfortable, the message is clear: your feelings aren’t as important as others’ needs.
Ask yourself: When did I start believing my feelings didn’t matter? Was it a specific person, environment, or pattern in my life that reinforced this belief? Once you identify the origin, you can begin to dismantle it.
Validate Your Own Emotions
One of the most powerful things you can do is learn to validate your feelings. You don’t need external permission to feel the way you do. Your emotions are real and valid simply because you feel them. Give yourself the space to acknowledge what you’re feeling without judgment. Journaling, voice notes, or talking to a trusted friend or therapist can help you process your emotions.
As a psychologist, I often remind my clients, “Your emotions are like data. They tell you what’s happening inside, even when you’re unsure of what’s happening outside.” It’s essential to pay attention to that data instead of pushing it aside.
Set Boundaries to Protect Your Emotional Space
When you believe your feelings don’t matter, you may be more likely to tolerate poor treatment from others. It’s common to say “yes” when you mean “no” or to overextend yourself to avoid conflict. Over time, this erodes your sense of self-worth and reinforces the harmful belief that your emotions aren’t a priority.
Learning to set boundaries is crucial. Boundaries involve
- speaking up when something feels off,
- standing up for your needs and
- allowing yourself to leave people or situations that disregard your emotional well-being.
Challenge the Inner Critic
That voice inside your head—the one that says, *”It’s not that bad. I’m overreacting. I’m too sensitive”—*is your inner critic. This voice feeds off the belief that your feelings are unimportant. When it pipes up, challenge it.
Ask yourself: If a friend came to me with the same feelings, what would I say to them? You’d likely validate their experience and encourage them to honor their emotions. So why not do the same for yourself? Be your advocate.
Surround Yourself with Emotional Affirmation
It can be hard to believe your feelings matter when you’re constantly surrounded by people who don’t recognize your emotional experience. Seek out those who uplift you and make you feel seen and heard—friends, mentors, colleagues, or a therapist. These people will remind you of your value and help reinforce that your emotions deserve space.
As a Black woman who has been in predominantly white and male-dominated spaces, I know firsthand the power of community. The people who affirm you emotionally are not just a support system—they’re a lifeline to the version of yourself that honors your feelings.
Recognize the Power of Self-Compassion
A lack of self-compassion is at the heart of believing that your feelings don’t matter. It’s easy to extend kindness and understanding to others but arduous to offer it to yourself. Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same care you would give to a loved one. When you make a mistake, instead of being harsh, ask yourself, “What do I need right now? How can I nurture myself through this?”
As you practice self-compassion, you begin to recognize that your feelings matter and deserve respect.
Take Small Steps Toward Reclaiming Your Emotional Space
Reversing a lifetime of believing that your feelings don’t matter is not an overnight process. It’s gradual, and it takes practice. Start by taking small steps. Speak up in situations where you might have stayed silent. Assert your needs in spaces that often overlook them. Advocate for yourself even when it feels uncomfortable.
Over time, you’ll begin to shift the narrative and reclaim your emotional space. You’ll understand that your feelings are valid and necessary—not just for your mental health but for your overall well-being.
Final Thoughts
Your feelings do matter. They matter because they reflect who you are, what you value, and what you need. In a world that often tries to silence those feelings, it’s crucial to honor them yourself. By acknowledging your emotions, validating them, setting boundaries, and surrounding yourself with supportive people, you can begin to rewrite the story that your feelings don’t matter.
I’ve seen firsthand how transformative this journey can be for women who take the first steps toward emotional liberation. Remember, your feelings are powerful, and when you embrace them, you allow yourself to live more authentically, boldly, and fully.
I am a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles and offer complimentary 15-minute initial consultations. If you are a professional woman seeking counseling, you may click here to schedule an appointment.