You’re all set to go to the holiday party, but you know the questions are coming. You anticipate what you will feel like and know every year is another reminder of a dream that remained just that, a dream. You want to stay home but also want to go out and enjoy a festive time with loved ones. You weigh the pros and cons and decide that tonight, you will go out and enjoy an evening celebrating life. For individuals and couples navigating infertility, the holiday season often brings mixed emotions. On the one hand, it’s a time for connection and celebration; on the other, it’s filled with questions, comments, and moments that unintentionally highlight what’s missing. Among the most challenging situations is when someone you’re not particularly close to—a casual acquaintance or distant relative—asks an insensitive question in front of others, such as:
“So, what are you waiting for to have kids?”
Bam! Here it is. It hits you right in the face, and there is no escaping the feeling that comes with it. This question is especially difficult because it can catch you off guard and put you in an uncomfortable position: you may find yourself grappling with your emotions and simultaneously prioritizing the comfort of the person asking. You instinctively tread carefully in your responses, not wanting to make others uncomfortable or “ruin the mood,” even at the expense of your emotional well-being.
Let’s explore why these questions feel particularly challenging, especially during the holidays, why we often focus on others’ comfort instead of our own, and how you can navigate these situations with grace and self-compassion.
Why These Questions Hit Harder During the Holidays
The holidays are a season of heightened emotions. Festivities often center on family and children, with traditions and celebrations as constant reminders of the life you hope to build. Here’s why such moments can feel even more intense:
- Increased Social Interactions: Holiday gatherings often include people you don’t see regularly, such as acquaintances or extended family, who may not know about your infertility journey.
- Cultural Emphasis on Family: The holiday season amplifies societal expectations around family milestones, leaving those struggling with infertility feeling isolated.
- Emotional Vulnerability: The end of the year often brings reflection on personal goals and struggles, making questions about children feel like an unwanted spotlight on your journey.
When someone asks a personal question about having children, especially in front of others, it can feel like an emotional ambush. Yet, many people in this situation focus on avoiding conflict or discomfort for the asker instead of acknowledging their feelings.
Why We Focus on Others’ Comfort
For those navigating infertility, responding to intrusive questions often involves a delicate balancing act. You may worry that being honest about your journey will make the other person feel awkward, guilty, or even embarrassed. This instinct to protect others’ feelings comes from a natural desire to maintain harmony, but it often comes at a personal cost:
- Emotional Exhaustion: Tiptoeing around your emotions to avoid making others uncomfortable can leave you drained and unheard.
- Minimizing Your Pain: By prioritizing others’ comfort, you may unintentionally send yourself the message that your feelings matter less.
- Maintaining Appearances: In public or group settings, it’s tempting to respond lightheartedly to “keep the peace,” even if it means sidelining your genuine emotions.
While it’s human to want to protect others, it’s also essential to recognize when this pattern leaves you depleted and emotionally unsupported.
5 Strategies that acknowledge both your feelings and the situation’s dynamic When Responding to Insensitive Questions
1. Keep It General and Neutral
Sometimes, the simplest response is the best. A neutral reply can protect your privacy while diffusing the moment. For example:
- “That’s a personal topic for us, but thank you for asking.”
- “We’re taking it one step at a time.”
- “We’ll see what the future holds!”
These responses set a clear boundary without making the other person feel criticized.
2. Redirect the Conversation
Shifting the focus to a neutral topic can help you gracefully move away from the discussion.
- “Oh, life is keeping us busy enough as it is! How’s your new job?”
- “We’re enjoying where we are right now. How’s your family doing?”
Redirecting allows you to deflect the question without creating tension.
3. Use Humor Sparingly
Humor can be a helpful tool to ease tension, especially in group settings.
- “We’re waiting for the stork to find our address!”
- “I think Santa has that on backorder!”
However, humor can also feel emotionally taxing if it doesn’t align with your current feelings, so use it only if it feels authentic.
4. Acknowledge Their Question Without Over-Explaining
If you feel comfortable, a short but honest response can help:
- “We’ve been trying for a while, and it’s been a tough journey. I appreciate your understanding.”
This approach can help educate others without requiring you to share more than you’re ready to share.
5. Stand Firm in Your Boundaries
If a question feels too intrusive, it’s okay to assert yourself:
- “That’s not something I want to discuss right now. Let’s focus on enjoying the evening!”
Being firm doesn’t mean being rude but prioritizing your emotional safety.
Navigating Group Settings
When intrusive questions come up in front of a group, it can feel even more vulnerable. Here’s how to handle these situations:
- Pause Before Responding: Take a moment to breathe and ground yourself. A calm response can help you regain control of the conversation.
- Rely on Allies: If a partner or close friend is present, they can help redirect the conversation or provide support.
- Don’t Be Afraid to Excuse Yourself: If the moment feels overwhelming, stepping away for a breather is perfectly acceptable.
Managing Emotional Impact During the Holidays
To protect your emotional well-being during the holiday season, consider these strategies:
- Plan Responses in Advance: Anticipating intrusive questions allows you to rehearse natural and empowering responses.
- Set Boundaries Around Events: Give yourself permission to skip or limit your time at gatherings that feel emotionally taxing.
- Focus on Supportive Connections: Spend time with people who uplift and understand you and engage in traditions that bring comfort and meaning.
- Prioritize Self-Care: Make space to process your emotions without judgment through therapy, journaling, or quiet time.
A Message to Those Asking Questions
If you’ve ever asked someone, “What are you waiting for to have kids?” understand that while your intentions may be good, such questions can be harrowing. Instead, consider offering support in a more open-ended way:
- “I hope everything is going well for you. I’m always here if you need anything.”
This approach shows care without placing the other person in a difficult position.
Final Thoughts
The holiday season is a time for connection, reflection, and, most importantly, self-care. If you’re navigating infertility, remember that you don’t need to answer every question or manage others’ comfort at the expense of your own. By setting boundaries, practicing responses, and focusing on what truly matters, you can protect your emotional well-being and create an authentic and meaningful season.
At Fertility Counseling Now, I’m here to support you through the complexities of infertility and the emotions that arise during this time of year. You don’t have to face these challenges alone. Let’s work together to help you navigate the holidays—and beyond—with clarity, strength, and self-compassion.
I am a fertility psychologist in Los Angeles and offer complimentary 15-minute initial consultations. If you are a woman, birthing person, or couple seeking infertility counseling, you may click here to schedule an appointment.