“What am I doing wrong?” or “Why is it so easy for everyone else?” I hear it all the time: a frustrated and overwhelmed client trying to make sense of her “failure” when she has done “everything right” and still isn’t pregnant or still can’t carry a pregnancy to term.
As we process the emotions, we work towards accepting her life not as she thought it would be but as it is currently; we work towards finding the small glimmer of hope that helps her manage the overwhelming feelings.
When you’re actively trying to conceive and doing everything you’re supposed to do, like tracking your menstrual cycle, following the doctors’ advice, and taking the right supplements, it’s only natural to expect results, results that are favorable that fulfill your desire to be a parent. But when the effort doesn’t match the outcome, it’s easy to feel stuck in a loop of frustration, self-doubt, and isolation.
It is easy to compartmentalize your feelings and distract yourself with work or hobbies during the day. But it never fails: a friend announces their pregnancy, or a family member asks, “What are you waiting for to have kids?” suddenly, the emotions hit again. You feel like you’re right back where you began, feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, and isolated.
The Unpredictability of Fertility
One of the most complex parts of this journey is realizing that fertility isn’t something you can fully control. We’re often taught that hard work leads to results, but fertility doesn’t always follow that rule. Even when you’re doing everything “right,” there’s an element of unpredictability to fertility that no amount of planning can override.
This uncertainty is especially overwhelming during the two-week wait when hope and anxiety collide. During these moments, the harsh inner critic creeps in, questioning whether you’re doing enough, have made a mistake, or whether your body has failed you.
Shifting from Self-Blame to Self-Kindness
When those spiraling thoughts take over, try shifting your focus from self-blame, which makes you feel responsible for things beyond your control, to self-kindness, which offers compassion and relief. Try these strategies to shift your mindset:
1. Challenge the Critical Voice
Instead of focusing on, “What am I doing wrong?” Say to yourself:
✅ “This is hard, but I’m doing my best.”
✅ “My worth is not measured by my fertility.”
✅ “I deserve kindness, no matter where I am in this journey.”
Our thoughts shape our feelings, and our feelings shape our behavior. When you can reframe self-blame into self-compassion, you create a space for healing instead of self-criticism.
2. Record or Write a Self-Compassion Mantra
Sometimes, it helps to hear yourself say something kind in the most challenging moments. Try recording a short voice note on your phone with an encouraging mantra and listen to it when needed. Or, write it down in a journal so you have something grounding to return to.
3. Find Community
Fertility struggles can feel isolating, but you are not alone. Connecting with others who understand can be a powerful way to feel seen and supported, whether through online communities, support groups, or trusted friends. Sometimes, sharing your experience with someone who gets it can make all the difference.
You Are Not Alone
The fertility journey has ups and downs; some days will feel more challenging. But through it all, remember this: You are doing the best you can. Your feelings are valid. And you deserve kindness from yourself and others.
Save this for the days when the wait feels unbearable, when doubt takes over, and when you question your strength. In those moments, remind yourself that you are doing your best. You are not alone. And you deserve the same compassion you give to others.
I am a fertility psychologist in California and Maryland and offer complimentary 15-minute initial consultations. If you are a woman, birthing person, or couple seeking infertility counseling, you may click here to schedule an appointment.