Exploring Identity, Grief, Hope, and Self-Discovery During the Family-Building Journey
Infertility often begins as a medical diagnosis, a concern, or a question that requires answers.
During a recent conversation with Gaby and Alessia on the We All Have Stuff podcast, we discussed a question that often causes people to pause:
Who were you before you learned you were struggling with infertility?
At first glance, it seems like a simple question.
Yet many people pause before answering it.
Infertility can affect many areas of life. It can shape how you see yourself, your relationships, and the future you once imagined.
Along the way, you may find yourself asking questions about identity, grief, hope, and how to move forward when life looks different from what you expected.
As a reproductive psychologist, I often see these questions emerge among intended parents pursuing fertility treatment, donor conception, gestational surrogacy, and other family-building pathways.
The question creates an opportunity to reconnect with the interests, strengths, relationships, values, and aspirations that continue to exist alongside the uncertainty, disappointment, hope, and decisions that often accompany family building.
When Infertility Begins To Affect How You See Yourself
Many people begin their family-building journey with expectations about how that path will unfold.
When those expectations change, it is common to spend time reevaluating how you see yourself, your relationships, and the future.
This is one reason the question, “Who were you before you learned you were struggling with infertility?” can feel so powerful.
The question creates an opportunity to reconnect with the interests, strengths, relationships, values, and aspirations that continue to exist alongside infertility and family building.
When Life Starts Revolving Around Family Building
Many people do not realize how much space infertility has begun to occupy until they try to answer that question.
Conversations become centered around treatment decisions. Free time becomes filled with appointments, research, waiting periods, and next steps. Future plans often revolve around treatment timelines.
Over time, infertility can move from being one part of your life to something that influences how you think about yourself and your future.
That shift often happens gradually, which is one reason reconnecting with other parts of yourself can feel meaningful.
Why Hope And Grief Often Exist Together
One of the topics we discussed on the We All Have Stuff podcast was how people often experience more than one emotion at the same time during family building.
Someone may feel hopeful about becoming a parent through donor conception while grieving the loss of a genetic connection.
Someone may feel hopeful about surrogacy while grieving the experience of carrying a pregnancy.
Someone may feel encouraged by the possibility of a new path while grieving the path they expected.
Family building can introduce decisions, possibilities, and realities that people never imagined they would have to navigate. It is understandable that hope and grief can coexist.
Understanding Your Why Without Judging It
During the podcast, I shared a piece of guidance that I often return to when people are trying to understand a thought, feeling, or decision: understand your why without judging it.
A reaction that feels surprising, uncomfortable, or unexpected often has something to teach you.
Exploring that reaction can provide insight into your values, concerns, experiences, or hopes for the future.
Approaching those questions with curiosity rather than judgment can create space for deeper understanding and more thoughtful decision-making.
Reconnecting With Yourself Beyond Infertility
Reflecting on that question often creates an opportunity to look beyond the immediate demands of family building.
As you reflect on that question, you may reconnect with interests, relationships, strengths, and values that continue to shape your life.
You may remember parts of yourself that existed before treatment decisions, waiting periods, and difficult conversations became regular features of daily life.
You may realize that those parts of yourself never disappeared. Your attention shifted toward the decisions, emotions, and uncertainties that required your focus.
Revisiting the question can create space to recognize what remains important to you, what has changed, and what you have learned about yourself along the way.
A Final Thought
Infertility can influence how you see yourself, your relationships, and your future. It can introduce difficult decisions, unexpected emotions, and questions that take time to explore.
Throughout my conversation with Gaby and Alessia on the We All Have Stuff podcast, we discussed identity, hope, grief, and the ways family building can shape how people understand themselves and their lives.
Experiences shape us, and family building often changes people in meaningful ways.
The question creates an opportunity to remember that infertility is only one part of your story.
The interests, relationships, strengths, values, and hopes that existed before this journey are still part of who you are today.
Sometimes reconnecting with those parts of yourself can provide perspective, clarity, and grounding as you continue moving forward.
Continue The Conversation
This topic was originally discussed during my conversation with Gaby and Alessia on the We All Have Stuff podcast, where we explored infertility, identity, grief, hope, and family building.
If you are an intended parent preparing for donor conception or surrogacy, or if you are a fertility professional seeking reproductive mental health resources, psychological consultations, or third-party reproductive evaluations, I invite you to learn more about the services available through Fertility Counseling Now.
Dr. Wiyatta Fahnbulleh is a reproductive psychologist licensed in California and Maryland who provides intended parent consultations, donor and gestational carrier evaluations, reproductive mental health services, and infertility counseling.
If you would like to learn more about working together, click here to schedule a complimentary 15-minute consultation. click here.